Val in the Media

By Gayle Herbert Robinson, Special to BET.com

Posted on Dec. 30, 2002 -- Tired of your New Year's Resolutions fizzling out like clockwork year after year? Are you sick of vowing to make positive life changes every New Year's Eve only to give up by Feb. 1? 

Making and then breaking those annual resolutions is all too common. So, we went to the experts - two personal coaches and a psychologist - to get specific advice on how to stick with them this year to get the results you truly want. 

Lifestyle Personal Coach Debrena Jackson Gandy and Executive Coach Val Williams, along with Dr. Gwendolyn Goldsby Grant, explain why New Year's Resolutions fail. They also offer action steps to help two women with common resolutions - to start exercising more and to make more time for self - achieve their New Year's goals. Follow their advice and 2003 is sure to be the year that you see your resolutions come to pass. 

Resolution #1 -- Getting on the Fitness Track

Dee Boyd, a single, 26-year-old animator from Rhode Island easily spends 14 hours of her seven-day work week in front of her computer with very little food and sleep. Each year, her New Year's resolution is to start an exercise program, but when she attempts the traditional jogging, walking and classes at a local gym, she barely lasts one week.  Last year, Boyd, who was the  captain of her high school's tennis team, made a resolution to start playing tennis again. But she gave up soon after when she couldn't find a partner. 

"When a problem keeps you from fulfilling a goal, you're giving power to that problem," says Dr. Gwendolyn Goldsby Grant, a media psychologist and ESSENCE magazine columnist.  "We give away so much internal power as if a resolution will achieve for us, when the power base is already inside of us."

Executive coach Val Williams suggests that Dee enlist a buddy, trainer or personal coach to help motivate her and to hold her accountable by asking her about her tennis and exercise plans to keep her on track. 

Resolution #2 -- Rediscovering The Power of You

Bonnie Turner-Lomax, 47, is a wife and mother of five and works as a communications coordinator for the government. She just wants to be able to watch an hour-long TV show without interruptions. She dreams of having more time to read books and magazines, keep a journal, work on scrapbooks, do her nails and just unwind from her full-time job. She usually feels guilty and unproductive when she tries taking time for herself. Her 2003 New Year's resolution: take more time for herself without feeling guilty.

Why do we make resolutions?

"Making resolutions has to do with the end-of-the-year incompleteness," said Goldsby Grant. "People think a resolution gives them back their center. They want a resolution to do the work. We have to do the work ourselves....We have to stop doing resolutions and instead do daily affirmations. Speak things you want to happen into existence. Failure is an event, not a state of being." 

Sticking with resolutions is tough, but the reasons why people fail in them are common, according to Williams. If you are always in a resolution rut, see if one of these six reasons might be why your resolutions fail and then follow Williams' suggestions on how to make them work in 2003. 

1. Reason:  You choose goals you think you should do.  
   Action:   Ask yourself, "Why is this goal good for me personally?"          
2. Reason:  Your resolution is too big of a change to sustain.                            
   Action:    Take baby steps. Make realistic goals. "You have to experience success in order to make it a habit," says Williams. "Instead of exercising six days a week, try once a week.  Make that successful before increasing days."         
3. Reason:   No consequence nor accountability. Nothing happens if the person doesn't do it.
   Action:   Dee can build accountability by getting a personal coach or buddy to ask daily if she's working toward her exercise goal.        
4. Reason:   You stop when you hit an obstacle.
   Action:    Create a strategy for obstacles.  Bonnie should list all the things that keep her from taking time for herself, then create boundaries and simply say no.         
5. Reason:   There's a pay-off for not changing that keeps you stuck.  The pay-off for saying yes instead of saying no is people won't think you're a nice person if you say no.
   Action:   Ask yourself if there's a pay-off for not changing.        
6. Reason:  A lack of integrity.  You don't keep promises to yourself.
   Action:   People who are successful keep promises to themselves. 

Making A Plan

Lifestyle Personal Coach Debrena Jackson Gandy devised a four-week plan to help Bonnie stick with her New Year's resolution of finding more time for herself.

Five kids, a full-time job and a daily commute from New Jersey to Philly; Bonnie has some serious choices to make about what's filling up her 24 hours.  She needs to focus on CLARITY and MAKING SPACE for the new year, Gandy says.   

WEEK ONE   
Take a pen and paper DESCRIBE, Why you want more time for yourself.  What specific differences would it make?  What specific affects would it have on you?  Know WHY you're making the resolution and its purpose. The INTENTION behind a goal is as important as the goal.  

Then, list all of the key "ingredients," relationships and activities that comprise your life.  Put an "E" next to items/relationships that ENERGIZE you, and put a "D" next to the items/relationships that DEPLETE you or feel heavy.  You can see what's energizing you and weighing you down.  Part of creating "Bonnie Time" is being honest about what is and isn't working.   This allows you to start shifting patterns in your life that overwhelm you.

WEEK TWO 
Now circle the "D" items on your list you're CHOOSING to shift, do differently or discontinue.  Maybe you eat lunch out daily or work through it.  Start taking a healthy lunch to save money and time.  Treat yourself to a  pedicure on your lunch break.  Or, escape to an empty conference room to read your favorite magazine.  Maybe you wake up late in the mornings to a rushed day.  Rise 20 minutes earlier before your family for some quiet time.

WEEK THREE 
Integrate into your life what feeds your spirit.  Maybe it's a bubble bath, writing in a journal, reading a book, or sitting still while you listen to soothing music.   Choose one "spirit-feeding" activity this week and schedule it into your calendar.

WEEK FOUR 
Pick one night a week that is "Bonnie Night."  Let your kids know in advance when "Bonnie Night" goes into effect. Put a calendar on the refrigerator and write "Mama's Night" on it in big red letters. Enlist the help and support of your older children or spouse in getting the younger ones to bed on time.  Take a firm stand, make an unwavering commitment, and don't let anything or anyone sabotage your "Bonnie Night," including YOU!!